Archive for the ‘My Story’ Category

I think it’s safe to say that sport and I rarely see eye to eye. Growing up, my family often sat on the side of a hill covered in red and blue vestige cheering for the local football team, the Newcastle Knights. I seemed to be more interested in sodoku and Footrot Flat comic books. One year during the grand final, when the Knights would have their triumphant victory, I could be found in my bedroom watching Star Trek. The older I got, the more obvious it was to my ever vigilant parents that sports and I would never destined to be, and to this day I can still hear their hearts breaking.

Being an Australian, this puts me at a bit of a disadvantage. The general population breathes sport, so already we have no common ground. I’m risking being an outcast. When friends talk about football, I can only nod and smile blankly. I dare not say anything at the risk of confusing myself and others – with two different games of football in the same country, can you blame me? Any social interaction is fraught with danger, and journeying to the water cooler has become a practice of stealth lest I be talked to. I’m fast in danger of suffering dehydration.

To make it potentially clearer to those outside my country, Australia has two species of football, NRL and AFL. The former is what I was unwillingly exposed to the most during my childhood, and can best be described as a fight with a ball. The second, AFL, was a completely unknown beast to me. But in moving myself to Melbourne, I quickly realised that I should maybe try and embrace their state religion.

And so it was that I braved the crowds and went out to my first game of football. I’ll be the first to admit that I could have been better prepared. Armed with a free ticket and adequate protection against the cold, my football companions were my sports sheltered fiancé and two girls from Seattle. My one lifeline who knew the game had to bail out due to work commitments… I was alone.

My first minor victory came when I found out that I’d actually heard of one of the players – he was recently involved in a scandal that no one should care about, in which he cheated on his wife with a model, took a photo, etc. Insert tabloid drama here. From that point on, the word ‘Bingle’ (in honour of the model) was used casually as a verb to describe the play. For example, I could bingle the ball to you, as you bingle across the field. Much amusement (potentially only to myself) was evident during the course of the game.

My next moment of enlightenment came when one of the Seattle girls described the game as basketball with a lot more kicking involved. Suddenly the game made a lot more sense to me. Sure, there’s kicking and jumping to the point where I’m pretty sure the player’s mothers had been overly friendly with a kangaroo at some point during conception. But there’s also bouncing. There’s also penalties. There’s also… ok, I’ll admit it, I’m as lost with basketball (perhaps even moreso) as I am with football.

But I am, if nothing else, an Australian. If I wanted to be honest about seeing an AFL game, I needed to participate with an open mind. So I cheered at the right parts (for both teams, for good measure). I ate a meat pie and drank some beer (even if it wasn’t tastefully imported). I patiently waited for a Mexican wave (which never came – they’ve been banned, apparently, because someone once threw a pie).

While my parents might be disappointed that my brush with the sacred game hasn’t made me a complete convert, I can at least appreciate that other people might appreciate it. I mightn’t have understood the rules, but I can now say that I have been to ‘a game’, and proudly cross that item off my Bucket List. I might not have comprehended the scoring, but I can safely say that the Melbourne Demons thoroughly bingled the Brisbane Lions. And yes, it might be true that if a ball came my way, my instinct would be to duck and cover… but come the morning, I won’t be avoiding the water cooler any longer.

I’m 29 years old, and stretched out ahead of me I have potentially the busiest year of my life yet. I’m working full time. I’m teaching tutorials in broadcast journalism at university. I’m getting married in October. Three weeks later, I’ll be thirty.

So I find myself in probably the quite common situation of wondering where the time has gone. I didn’t plan for my life to be in this position. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be happier, it was just so… unplanned. Like all you young, innocent people out there, I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought I could sit back, work as a temp, and make funny radio plays until I became old and grey.

Well guess what. There’s grey hair creeping in right now. I’m having trouble remembering my 29th birthday, and it was five months ago. If there are things I wanted to do before I was thirty, I’m down to seven months and not a lot of free time to do it.

Two years ago, a younger and innocent me sat down in a cinema in Adelaide, South Australia, to watch ‘The Bucket List’. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was two days away from starting the first stable job I’ve ever had (the one I have now) and sitting next to my girlfriend of five months, who this October will become my wife.

‘The Bucket List’, held in it the concept of writing a list of things you wanted to do before you died. And while I’m not dying, aren’t I, in a sense, wasting the time I have? It’s all very well to say there’s things that I want to do in my life… so what am I waiting for? I’m 29 years old and I’ve never seen snow. There’s something wrong there.

I hope that in writing this in blog format, you people will push me. Push me to write, push me to work through my list. Encourage me, if you feel inclined, help me. Hopefully at some point down the track, I’ll be able to return the favour to you. My list starts here.

1. See snow
I live in Australia, where our temperature ranges from hot, to bloody hot. My life has been centered around the coasts, I’ve lived in Newcastle, Sydney, briefly in Perth, and now in Melbourne. I’ve never seen snow, let alone tried to ski.
2. Be healthy
I’ve always been a person who struggles a bit with his weight. Up until the age of 26, I could have been classed as a ‘fatty boombah’. When I was 25, I found out I had high blood pressure, and have been on daily medication ever since. Currently, I’m 178cm tall, and 86.6kg. I’m getting there. But it’s something that I struggle with constantly.
3. Run a marathon
I’ve always said I’m going to run a marathon. I know it’s something not to be taken lightly either.
4. Travel overseas
I’ve always been a little jealous of people in Europe, or even people in the U.S… heck, anywhere really, but Australia, for one simple reason: you can get in a car and drive to another country. Heck, for some places, you could be there in an hour. Australia is a bloody huge place, and while I’ve skirted around the edges, I’ve never left. I haven’t even gone through the middle, for that matter.
5. Find out who Francis Mervyn Langley-Priestley was
This one is tied up in a desire to know more about my past, as Francis was my grandfather. He died in the 50s, and the guy was a complete enigma.
6. Be an extra
There are Australian productions going on quite often in Melbourne and Sydney, as well as the occasional move in Queensland etc. Surely they need extras. Isn’t there another Mad Max gearing up? Surely someone willing to stand in the background and follow instructions can be me.
7. Do a bit of stand-up comedy
As you may have figured out by these radio plays, I fancy having a bit of a sense of humour. I would love to have the chance to do a bit of stand-up comedy in front of an audience, even if it were for five minutes.
8. Get my book published
Remember that awesomely funny radio play, Tierra de los Muertos? Well two years ago I wrote an even funnier book based on it. It clocks in at more than 300 pages, and has sat on my computer gathering dust ever since. I know it’s a lofty wish, but the other alternative is ‘get pubished’. Magazine, newspaper, whatever’s going.
9. Watch a football game
AFL seems to be somewhere near a religion in the state I live, Victoria. I’ve lived here for three years, and haven’t watched a football game on television, let alone in person.
10. Get my driving licence
Days after my 29th birthday, I finally got around to getting my driver’s licence. I don’t have a car, but hey, there’s a bit of responsibility I finally got around to taking.

I have a little under eight months, does this seem doable? Over to you, general public. Please, help me out.