Being an Australian, this puts me at a bit of a disadvantage. The general population breathes sport, so already we have no common ground. I’m risking being an outcast. When friends talk about football, I can only nod and smile blankly. I dare not say anything at the risk of confusing myself and others – with two different games of football in the same country, can you blame me? Any social interaction is fraught with danger, and journeying to the water cooler has become a practice of stealth lest I be talked to. I’m fast in danger of suffering dehydration.

To make it potentially clearer to those outside my country, Australia has two species of football, NRL and AFL. The former is what I was unwillingly exposed to the most during my childhood, and can best be described as a fight with a ball. The second, AFL, was a completely unknown beast to me. But in moving myself to Melbourne, I quickly realised that I should maybe try and embrace their state religion.

And so it was that I braved the crowds and went out to my first game of football. I’ll be the first to admit that I could have been better prepared. Armed with a free ticket and adequate protection against the cold, my football companions were my sports sheltered fiancé and two girls from Seattle. My one lifeline who knew the game had to bail out due to work commitments… I was alone.

My first minor victory came when I found out that I’d actually heard of one of the players – he was recently involved in a scandal that no one should care about, in which he cheated on his wife with a model, took a photo, etc. Insert tabloid drama here. From that point on, the word ‘Bingle’ (in honour of the model) was used casually as a verb to describe the play. For example, I could bingle the ball to you, as you bingle across the field. Much amusement (potentially only to myself) was evident during the course of the game.

My next moment of enlightenment came when one of the Seattle girls described the game as basketball with a lot more kicking involved. Suddenly the game made a lot more sense to me. Sure, there’s kicking and jumping to the point where I’m pretty sure the player’s mothers had been overly friendly with a kangaroo at some point during conception. But there’s also bouncing. There’s also penalties. There’s also… ok, I’ll admit it, I’m as lost with basketball (perhaps even moreso) as I am with football.

But I am, if nothing else, an Australian. If I wanted to be honest about seeing an AFL game, I needed to participate with an open mind. So I cheered at the right parts (for both teams, for good measure). I ate a meat pie and drank some beer (even if it wasn’t tastefully imported). I patiently waited for a Mexican wave (which never came – they’ve been banned, apparently, because someone once threw a pie).

While my parents might be disappointed that my brush with the sacred game hasn’t made me a complete convert, I can at least appreciate that other people might appreciate it. I mightn’t have understood the rules, but I can now say that I have been to ‘a game’, and proudly cross that item off my Bucket List. I might not have comprehended the scoring, but I can safely say that the Melbourne Demons thoroughly bingled the Brisbane Lions. And yes, it might be true that if a ball came my way, my instinct would be to duck and cover… but come the morning, I won’t be avoiding the water cooler any longer.

So I find myself in probably the quite common situation of wondering where the time has gone. I didn’t plan for my life to be in this position. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be happier, it was just so… unplanned. Like all you young, innocent people out there, I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought I could sit back, work as a temp, and make funny radio plays until I became old and grey.

Well guess what. There’s grey hair creeping in right now. I’m having trouble remembering my 29th birthday, and it was five months ago. If there are things I wanted to do before I was thirty, I’m down to seven months and not a lot of free time to do it.

Two years ago, a younger and innocent me sat down in a cinema in Adelaide, South Australia, to watch ‘The Bucket List’. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was two days away from starting the first stable job I’ve ever had (the one I have now) and sitting next to my girlfriend of five months, who this October will become my wife.

‘The Bucket List’, held in it the concept of writing a list of things you wanted to do before you died. And while I’m not dying, aren’t I, in a sense, wasting the time I have? It’s all very well to say there’s things that I want to do in my life… so what am I waiting for? I’m 29 years old and I’ve never seen snow. There’s something wrong there.

I hope that in writing this in blog format, you people will push me. Push me to write, push me to work through my list. Encourage me, if you feel inclined, help me. Hopefully at some point down the track, I’ll be able to return the favour to you. My list starts here.

1. See snow
I live in Australia, where our temperature ranges from hot, to bloody hot. My life has been centered around the coasts, I’ve lived in Newcastle, Sydney, briefly in Perth, and now in Melbourne. I’ve never seen snow, let alone tried to ski.
2. Be healthy
I’ve always been a person who struggles a bit with his weight. Up until the age of 26, I could have been classed as a ‘fatty boombah’. When I was 25, I found out I had high blood pressure, and have been on daily medication ever since. Currently, I’m 178cm tall, and 86.6kg. I’m getting there. But it’s something that I struggle with constantly.
3. Run a marathon
I’ve always said I’m going to run a marathon. I know it’s something not to be taken lightly either.
4. Travel overseas
I’ve always been a little jealous of people in Europe, or even people in the U.S… heck, anywhere really, but Australia, for one simple reason: you can get in a car and drive to another country. Heck, for some places, you could be there in an hour. Australia is a bloody huge place, and while I’ve skirted around the edges, I’ve never left. I haven’t even gone through the middle, for that matter.
5. Find out who Francis Mervyn Langley-Priestley was
This one is tied up in a desire to know more about my past, as Francis was my grandfather. He died in the 50s, and the guy was a complete enigma.
6. Be an extra
There are Australian productions going on quite often in Melbourne and Sydney, as well as the occasional move in Queensland etc. Surely they need extras. Isn’t there another Mad Max gearing up? Surely someone willing to stand in the background and follow instructions can be me.
7. Do a bit of stand-up comedy
As you may have figured out by these radio plays, I fancy having a bit of a sense of humour. I would love to have the chance to do a bit of stand-up comedy in front of an audience, even if it were for five minutes.
8. Get my book published
Remember that awesomely funny radio play, Tierra de los Muertos? Well two years ago I wrote an even funnier book based on it. It clocks in at more than 300 pages, and has sat on my computer gathering dust ever since. I know it’s a lofty wish, but the other alternative is ‘get pubished’. Magazine, newspaper, whatever’s going.
9. Watch a football game
AFL seems to be somewhere near a religion in the state I live, Victoria. I’ve lived here for three years, and haven’t watched a football game on television, let alone in person.
10. Get my driving licence
Days after my 29th birthday, I finally got around to getting my driver’s licence. I don’t have a car, but hey, there’s a bit of responsibility I finally got around to taking.

I have a little under eight months, does this seem doable? Over to you, general public. Please, help me out.

There’s been some good auditions so far (some people even making good use of the ‘additional voices’ option) but there’s one or two significant parts available still… notably are there any female listeners out there??

Thanks to all of those who have submitted auditions so far, it’s been great receiving a high level of professional efforts. For those of you who are still on the fence about auditioning… there’s still time. Dust that microphone off and get recording.

Starring:
Lawrence Aitchison as Narrator, Lube Skystalker and Chef
Matt Smith as Darth Vapour, See Creepio, Mouldy-Bun Baloney, and Pooey the Wookiee
Stanley Brain as Number Two and Ham Slowmo

Hit to play | Download Lost Cause I, Part 06
RSS feed | Subscribe to this podcast in iTunes

A talk with Don S. Davis, well known for his roll as General Hammond on Stargate SG-1, but also a respected actor, stage director, stunt man and artist. This interview was recorded on a rather crappy hand recorder at a Friends of Science Fiction in Sydney.

Hit to play | Download A Talk with Don S. Davis
RSS feed | Subscribe to this podcast in iTunes

What will happen in it, I hear you ask? The capture and trial of LeChuck, a mysterious voodoo curse, the rise of a new enemy, swashbuckling, and monkeys all await Guybrush and Carl!

Currently there are five roles open for audition:

Governor Phineas Phatt (appearing in five parts)
The blubbery governor of Phatt Island should be spoken with bored detachment to everything. In the trial run of the script I spoke him with a snide voice like Alan Rickman (Snape from Harry Potter). It worked well, but I’m sure there’s better Alan Rickman impersonations out there…
Sample line: Good work, Sir Creigh Blue. I’ll be sure that you are properly rewarded. This has been a dreadful bore… stewards, surely there’s a meal I’m missing, isn’t there? Please, take me away from this.

Elaine Marley-Threepwood (appearing in one part)
Everyone knows who she is, don’t they?
Sample line: Guybrush? What are you doing here! It’s five o’clock, you’re meant to be walking the poodles!

Voodoo Lady (appearing in one part)
A deep Caribbean accent.
Sample line: Don’t go touching any of that, Carl. I know where everything is!

Kolomana (appearing in four to five parts)
A witch doctor. Needs to have a deep presence, a smooth, sinister voice. Can be played with a Caribbean accent if desired, try something out.
Sample line: Guybrush Threepwood, of course I’ve heard of you. May I just say that your reputation is completely unfounded.

Pasty teenager (appearing in one part)
No name as of yet, an exaggerated voice breaking part needed. Think of a pimply teenager working at a fast food joint.
Sample line: Would you like chocolate sprinkles on your venti buccacino (buck-a-chee-no)?

Murray (appearing in one part)
It would be good to have everyone’s favourite evil demonic skull for one part.

Additional voices
Got something to contribute? Always had the urge to swash a few buckles? Want to show off your ‘arrrr’? Then hey, who am I to stand in the way. If you have a voice that you want to try out, then by all means, email it to me. You might end up with a character written for you, it’s happened before…

As always, your voice and microphone clarity are equally important. Anything crackly or tinny won’t really cut it. So if you’re interested, dust off your microphone, make sure the house is empty, and put on a voice! Send all submissions through to galactichand at hotmail.com.

Tierra de los Muertos RSS Feed.

Plus you can also go to iTunes and subscribe to it.

All the website posts have just been deleted. Yes, it was intentional. The website had begun to get bloated and messy. I’ve updated the wordpress software, I’m working from scratch with a new plug-in called PowerPress (it deals with podcasts, and I hope it will work)…

I can hear a cosmic sigh. Don’t worry, I won’t take a long time posting the previously released content. One a day, you have my word (for what it’s worth). Heck, there’ll even be new content thrown in as well.